DANCING WITH THE STARS: NICKELS IN BUTTS AND OZZY OSBOURNE EYES

It could have been because I’ve had a crazy last few days — computer crashing, iphone dropping calls like mad, internet access intermittent, possessed cursor on computer I’m momentarily using, and now serious fights with upstairs Godzilla and her monster mother — we’ll call her Grendel or Mother Grendel rather — it ALL happens at once! Anyway, I watched DWTS last night but I honestly can’t remember much — just too much on my mind. 

Generally, I just can’t stand the Paso Dobles done on these group shows. I love the Spanish dance elements — the flamenco taps and the matador posturing and the cape and all — but I can’t stand it “modernized” and danced to pop music. People just go too crazy with it and it doesn’t make any sense.

Still, my two favorite moments of last night’s show (besides the costumes and wigs used in the group Hustle) were Kelly and Louis’s Paso to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” and Michael and Anna’s more traditional version of the dance (thank you Anna Demidova!) What I liked about Kelly and Louis though was mainly Louis’s eyes. They were done up to look like Ozzy (of the y 80s of course, not now) along with the hair. He was once so serious (Louis that is) and he looks like he’s having a lot of fun with dance these days, so good for him. He really makes me laugh. The dance though — she tried hard and he of course is excellent at everything he does, but you could tell she kept wanting to jump up and down and pound her fist into the air, mosh-pit-like. And who wouldn’t — “Crazy Train” is not Paso music! I understood why Louis chose it — and Ozzy in the audience looked like he was about to burst into tears of pride (what is happening to the world?)- but still. 

And I loved Michael’s attempts to attain correct Paso posture by placing a nickel between his butt cheeks (at Anna’s suggestion). And I agree with Len that it worked! It is a really odd posture — pushing your hips so forward like that and standing up so straight from the waist down but then with kind of rounded shoulders. It seems so unnatural — like you’re ultra aware of your shaping — unlike with the other Latin dances. And it ended up being Michael’s best dance.

I wasn’t that impressed with much else. I thought Mark’s Paso was strong and his movements sharp but something didn’t look quite right, and I’m not sure what it was. He looked too dainty or delicate or something even though he was trying hard not to. And did Lacey blow out of a cannon or something? What was that entrance about?

Oh — I also really liked Karina and Aaron’s Argentine  Tango. Really nice choreography and really intricate hooks with those legs. And complicated lifts with her legs wrapped every which way around his.

I thought it was rather funny when Joanna tripped in her A.T. I honestly thought it was Maks’s fault (who she danced with since Derek’s sick with flu, as is Mark Ballas — what’s up with those two?) Anyway, they recoverd nicely (Joanna and Maks that is) and seemed to score okay. In fact, I actually thought she did better after the flub. Her legs straightened and she had nicer lines and a really gorgeous ronde en l’air — whereas the first one was bent-kneed and rather blah.

Louie and Chelsie had some cute lifts but I think someone else needs to choreograph for them. Judges loved it but I think she’s not giving him  enough to do and he ends up being more like her escort around the dance floor than a dancing partner.

And Mya’s A.T. was really gorgeous, expectedly. I honestly can’t remember the other two blondes or much of Donny’s though I remember thinking Donny’s was decent. 

I’m sorry I’m so out of it you guys! No sleep in quite some time! What did you guys think?

Judges seemed to like everyone; I have no idea who’s going home tonight.

DANCING WITH THE STARS SEASON 9 PREMIERE: THE WOMEN

Very excited to see Baz Luhrmann guest judge next week!

 

My favorites last night were Kelly Osbourne (and loved that her dad was on and that he became genuinely emotional over her splendid Viennese waltz! — as did her mum), Mya, and Macy Gray. What I really found endearing about Kelly was how blasted hard she obviously worked. She did not look so hot in practice sessions. And she was pretty down on herself. And then she came out there and did that gorgeous waltz with all that poise and polish and grace and watery fluidity. I almost cried for her — and I never watched her show!

I know, I know — overall, young swimsuit model Joanna Krupa was the best — her salsa alone showed that she’s rhythmic and used to moving her hips and, surprisingly her foxtrot showed she could be graceful and even delicate as well — but, I don’t know, I personally don’t find her as endearing as, say Macy. And Joanna’s full of confidence, which may not go down that well with the largely female voting public. I think she’ll be on for a while, but she may be the Sabrina Bryan of this season rather than the Brooke Burke.

I can’t help but love Macy’s ‘this is gonna be fun and I’m gonna work hard but I’m not getting caught up in all the competitive bullshit’ attitude. Love those facial expressions too! The judges were right on when they said she won the audience over with her magnetism. Not so good (I can’t bring myself to say ‘bad’!) as she was, I couldn’t take my eyes off her during that Viennese waltz. And I didn’t realize she was so tall — she’s got several inches on Jonathan Roberts!

I thought Mya was just so fluid in the Viennese waltz, and so killer in the cha cha. I disagree with whatever judge criticized the kick — I thought that kick was mad!

I like Debi Mazur a lot and she obviously isn’t a natural and doesn’t have training, but I want to see her improve. That’s what the show is about — working hard toward a goal and being able to do something you couldn’t before. I think she has the ability to improve. And she’s someone I can relate to and think others probably can too. So I really really hope she’s not the woman to go tonight. Bruno tells her she can’t dance but it doesn’t matter because she has great boobs. These kinds of comments are really not funny but clearly he’s not keen enough to realize that. Interesting how Maks covered Debi’s ears when he said that — I thought he was doing that to be funny but judging by the look on her face, it looked more that she was truly annoyed at Bruno and may haul off and sock him one.

I have to say Melissa Joan Hart didn’t leave much of an impression on me. I can’t really even remember her Viennese waltz to be honest. And I didn’t see her cha cha. Mark was kind of the star of that little routine 🙂 Oh Mark — you’re a hopeless show-off and we will always love you for it…

Kathy Ireland (whom I would never have recognized!) was like Paulina Porizkova all over again. Same problem with the lack of groundedness in the salsa, the bouncing around. Bruno told her there was no “sex,” and without sex there is no salsa. So, according to him, since she didn’t get down on the ground and practically perform a sex act with Tony Dovolani, she didn’t actually salsa. She did much better with the foxtrot I thought, though the judges thought she did only marginally better.

I feel like I shouldn’t be too angry at Bruno or Len for their comments though. It seems the producers have told one to lust all over the women and make as many sex-laced comments as possible and the other to spend the season doing his best impersonation of Dana Carvey’s old SNL character, Grumpy Old Man (or whatever that character was called) and piss on and on about the way no one is adhering to basic ballroom.

I personally thought Dmitry’s Viennese waltz for Mya was choreographically the most engaging routine of the night. Louis van Amstel is a master choreographer too and he’s largely the reason Kelly shined as she did.

Who did I leave out?… Oh, Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin. Wow, beautiful arms — particularly in practice. The judges seemed to like her salsa, but I thought it had the same problem as most of the others — not grounded enough and too hop-py. I knew she was going to nail the Standard though — with those feathery arms! — and she did with the foxtrot.

I’m looking forward to tonight — particularly the Patrick Swayze tribute.

Photo of Louis van Amstel and Kelly Osbourne taken from Louis’s DWTS thread.