Tag: Performing Dance

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Dance Goals For 2007

La Duca shoes

Thanks to Natalia for forcing me to come up with these, because one must always have goals, and putting them down on paper (or blog) makes you organized and keeps you focused. I’ve divided mine into three basic categories:

1) CUT BACK ON EXPENSES.

Unfortunately, I think my biggest goal, at least regarding my greatest dance love — ballroom — is going to have to be to cut back. Looking over my expenses the past year, I’m a bit overwhelmed (okay a lot overwhelmed) at how much this wonderful hobby has cost me. I had wanted to go to Brazil this February for Carnival, and it looks like that’s not going to happen, I’d wanted to do some more travel even to places as close as Washington D.C. (do-able, but not without fret about cost), and even looking into possibly adopting another pet since my dear Najma passed away last year freaked me out a bit expense-wise. I simply have nothing left over in my leisure spending allotment after all of my ballroom. My parents, embarrasingly, have even had to help me pay for showcase, costume, and private coaching costs a bit here and there. Plus, my studio has just increased their prices $10 per private. So, with each private costing $95, each coaching $150 on top of that (for both teacher and coach), costumes running a minimum (and I mean very very minimum) of $500, and I don’t even want to say what the showcases cost, you get some clue as to the thousands. Not a happy bank account have I.

So, I’ve decided that, since of course giving it up is completely, ridiculously out of the question, I must force myself to take only one private lesson per week, and do either one showcase or one competition per year (ONE is the key number, in other words). Perhaps I can take one or two group lessons per week, but I’ve really got to watch that expense as well.

2) RELAX, LET LOOSE, AND HAVE FUN.

Second, and related to my first goal, I attended several Alvin Ailey performances this season and was really just mesmerized by what I saw. Watching the dancers closely, I realized Ailey must have had an extremely wide dance background including not only ballet, modern, and jazz, but African and Latin as well, because the way his dancers move incorporates all of those. And, I specifically saw some Samba, both in Revelations and other dances, and not only in the hip and pelvic movements generally, I mean I also saw some of the exact same steps I have learned in ballroom. And I felt like these dancers moved so amazingly. Jazz dancing is “bigger” than Latin ballroom, in that you take far larger steps and really work on moving your body without restraint; with ballroom, you must take very small steps and keep arm and upper body movement very small and controlled so as not to whack your partner or others on the crowded dance floor. And, because of this forced constraint, I found the Ailey dancers so much more interesting than ballroomers. Often at the ballroom competitions, there’s so much smallness of movement in Samba that I can’t even really see the dancers moving their hips and contracting and expanding their pelvises; it looks almost the exact same as a traveling form of Cha Cha to me.

Teachers at my old school used to tell me that studying any dance outside of ballroom besides ballet may well hurt my ballroom, mainly because of the uncontrolled movement. But these Ailey dancers just moved in such brilliant ways; really made me want to learn what they do. Plus, it looks so damn fun! So, I have decided that I will start taking some jazz, street samba (the Ailey School teaches it!), and African, in addition to my ballroom, at schools that offer group classes in those areas like Steps, Broadway Dance Center, and the Ailey school. If it hurts my ballroom technique, so be it. I love the way these modern dancers move and I’m not ever going to be a professional dancer, so it might as well be fun for me!

3) WRITE WRITE WRITE.

Third, I’ve realized through some recent discussions with friends and work and writing associates that a lot of people really don’t understand two basic things: 1) how frigging hard it is to become a great dancer — good enough, that is, that people will actually spend money to come see you perform; and 2) fun as it may be for most of us, dancing is actually a profession for others, and those others deserve to be taken seriously, just like doctors and lawyers and other professionals, and should be compensated appropriately. I came upon these realizations when some of the aforementioned friends and associates expressed difficulty understanding how I, with two whole years of part-time dance experience, could possibly need MORE practice (don’t I know everything already???), and that I actually had to pay for my teachers’ services — particulary at competitions and showcase events — as if my showcases and competitions were supposed to be so much fun for THEM that they were willing to forego an entire day’s worth of teaching wages to spend the day dancing with me, as if they don’t have rent to pay like the rest of us… Anyway, these discussions really enraged me, and one of my goals, as a fledgling writer, is to create more respect for professional dancers through not only this blog, but hopefully with magazine and newspaper writing that I will actually be compensated for, please please!

I also intend to attend as many ballroom competitions as I can — already have my tickets for Blackpool in May, of course of course! — and will most definitely blog about them, and take as many photos as I can, which I will put on the photo page here. I may take a course in digital photography, through the School of Visual Arts perhaps — to learn how to make better use of my camera.

And, finally, I intend to write my next novel this year, and to have it finished by the end of the year! It will deal, in some way, with dance, which is what that goal is doing in this blog entry, though I’m not sure how much of it will be devoted to dance, since, of course, plot and theme change a bit as you’re going about the writing process. But definitely definitely there will be dance in the novel 🙂 My last one took me one year, at least to get the first draft down, and I’ve already started this one (okay, I just have about the first 500 words!), so I am giving myself until, at the very very VERY latest, the end of the year. And, if I’m not finished and don’t have it out to my agent by this very day next year, please someone shoot me!!!!!

And of course, ballet, my lifelong love: I’ll be going to every performance I have the time and money for, am just sending off my ABT subscription renewal to their Met season now 🙂 🙂 🙂 and will likely run down to D.C. for a couple of Othello’s this January (since I’ll likely miss that ballet during their Met season, when I’ll be in England). And of course, I’ll obsessively be reading The Winger…

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My Little Sinatra Suite

tony and jacob 1

Well, I guess it’s not really a suite since I’m only dancing to one of his songs. But last night, we played the tune — “Luck Be a Lady Tonight” — for Melanie LaPatin, who liked it and approved it for the showcase! Then, Tony Meredith, the studio coach, and Jacob began choreographing it. This part always makes me nervous because I basically just have to sit and watch them go at it, and I’m not even sure what all they’re doing since most of the lifts and tricks they don’t actually do but only mark (so that Jacob doesn’t break Tony’s back jumping into his arms, etc.) Tony choreographs on Jacob because, basically, Jacob knows what he’s doing; if Tony used me, he’d have to spend far too much time teaching and not creating… so he uses Jacob, while Jacob tells him all of my strengths, and what kinds of things we want to do. Actually, I brought in the DVD of Baryshnikov dancing Tharp’s Sinatra Suite and Tony viewed it before my lesson to get an idea of what kind of lifts, tone, style, etc. we were shooting for.

I get nervous while watching them put together my routine both because I don’t want it to be too easy and basic (which sometimes teachers and coaches do because they don’t want the students to struggle with something that’s way over their head and then get down on themselves about their abilities), because then it won’t be interesting enough to watch, and because I really want to challenge myself. But then, I also got a bit freaked out listening to Jacob tell Tony repeatedly that I have great extensions that he wants to showcase! Blah! I have long limbs, so I think everyone WANTS me to have great extensions. But I have been very bad and lazy so far this fall and have not been stretching nearly as much as I should. So, my extensions … aren’t quite there yet, I should say 🙂 Oh well, goals goals!

tony and jacob 2

It is kind of funny watching Jacob play the girl!

jacob and tony 3

Who’s that goof flashing away in the mirror?… Crossed legs = varicose veins and bad posture! Bad bad…

Anyway, we got probably about a quarter choreographed. Tony gave me this really cool jump splits to do. Jacob extends his arm to me, I grab it and use it to propel myself up and do a big kick jump past him. He and Jacob also tried to do this very easy-looking small lift that Baryshnikov and Elaine Kudo did on the DVD, where he kneels and she slides over his shoulders. Of course, we realized right away, it only LOOKED easy with those two performing! I am determined though to learn it and get it right! Some of the other things they marked … well, I wasn’t quite sure what exactly they were. Important thing is that I videotaped it all, so Jacob will figure it all out next week and will then start teaching it to me.

By the way, I ended up throwing together my own little gift basket for him for the dreaded holiday gift — bought him some hand-made bath soaps for achy muscles, massaging foot lotion, lots of chocolate from my local Belgian chocolatier, and some fun-looking candy cane bath confetti. So, no bronzed Michaelangelos 🙂 🙂 🙂 Though that was a damn good idea, if I can ever track Luis down at his new studio…

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Becoming a Criminal On My Way to Defend My Client!

Does this look like the face of a criminal?!

me after court

Oh I fear it is! I had to turnstile-jump this morning on my way to this lovely place:

Appellate Division courthouse

… which is the Appellate Division courthouse in Brooklyn Heights, where I had an oral argument. I didn’t mean to commit a crime! I was running late on my way to court because I was hysterically researching cases on Westlaw this morning before I left — I always do far far far too much research and am pretty ridiculously overprepared for court. I’m always so afraid the judges are going to ask me something about some obscure case and I’m going to look stupid. Not that overpreparation is bad, but it does sometimes get me a little behind on my caseload. And, when you have about one of these a month, spending several days obsessing over case law and trial transcripts and penal codes and sentencing guidelines can really put you a good, full case behind…

Anyway, so I was researching hysterically, not realizing the time, until it was about 9:00 — an hour before I have to be in court. Calendar call (which every attorney with a case on for argument has to attend in order to tell the presiding judge how much time s/he is requesting to argue their appeal) is strictly at 10, and if you’re late, you’re in big trouble. So, I grabbed my argument outline, the mass of cases and trial transcripts I wouldn’t need (since I basically had all of them memorized), and, shoving an extra pair of hose into my briefcase, fled my apartment for the 2/3 train.

When I went to go through the turnstile, there was a man entering before me, and I guess his Metrocard didn’t go through and the machine told him he needed to slide it through again. But since I was in such a hysterical rush, I’d already swiped mine. So, when he walked through, it was on my card. Since I have a monthly, I couldn’t swipe it again for another 15 minutes (for non-NYers, that’s the MTA’s means of preventing people from buying one monthly pass and then letting all their friends and family ride on it as well). Of course I didn’t have 15 minutes to spare. Normally, I’d just explain to the agent in the booth what had happened and they’d let me through, but for some crazy reason there was no agent in the booth this morning. I searched for another one, but couldn’t find any. Angry that I was actually going to have to buy a single ticket, I whipped out my wallet only to find I had no small bills. I started crying out, asking anyone within earshot if they had change, but no one could be bothered to help the poor, hysterical, screaming besuited lawyer. So, I did the only thing I could do: jumped the damn turnstile! Actually, I didn’t jump; I slid underneath. And as I went, I waved about my Metrocard just in case any officers were spying from behind some “janitors’ cabin” and came after me. Nothing happened, other than a few odd looks from commuters. I’m just afraid they have some surveillance camera and I’m going to get a summons in the mail! Or worse, served at my place of work … Well, I have a damn good excuse. It’s just kind of ironic: the criminal defending a convict!

Anyway, I had a lesson with Jacob tonight, after not seeing him, or the studio, in over two weeks. My back knee bent badly while he tried to take me down into a split in our opening trick. Uh, so out of practice! And, the DVDs from our October student / teacher showcase are in. I bought two — one for me and one for Dad for Christmas 🙂 Oh, I don’t know if I want to look though!

DTS DVDs

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Confident Little Me Versus Unconfident Big Me

before tap routine in Phx

While visiting my mom recently, I was searching through photo albums and came across this picture of myself. It was right before my dance school’s recital at Phoenix Symphony Hall. I was six years old. We performed a tap routine to “You’re a Grand Ole Flag”. Kristin Sloan had invited Winger readers to send in a piece about their first performance, which is what had prompted me to search through old photo albums. My mom even remembered part of my childhood tap and ballet performances being on home video. So we watched them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t write about this first experience because I have no actual recollection of it. But, interestingly, on the video I looked soooo much more at ease, so much happier, more confident, more like I was just having a load of fun bouncing around on that stage smiling widely. And, in this pic, I look so excited to go out there on stage in front hundreds, without a care in the world. Such an enormous difference from my experiences performing as an adult. I showed my mom a recent video of Pasha and me doing our rumba routine at the DTS showcase and I’m so appalled at how terrified and self-questioning I look. I think a good 90% of the problems I had with my rumba — bad lines, missed steps, near slips — were due to plain and simple nerves. What is it that you lose of yourself in adulthood — you’re so much more inhibited, so much more conscious, and afraid, of what others think of you. Not that questioning yourself is always bad — it can prevent you from making mistakes sometimes. But when it turns into self-doubt it can lead to a serious inability to act, and that’s a shame. Ugh. I want the little, confident me back!

Anyway, I ended up sending a piece on my first adult performance since I had no recollection of this one. I’m waiting to see what she does with them all before posting anything here (though it’s mostly things I’ve already blogged on previously). I definitely encourage all Winger readers to participate though — it’s fun!

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Marcelo vs. Misha

 

Okay, call me crazy, but I say Marcelo Gomes wins?!? Am I insane? Is that the (dance) definition of insanity, thinking any other dancer is better than Baryshnikov??? For me, it’s kind of like Cabaret. My first viewing of it was the play directed by Sam Mendes and starring Alan Cumming and Jennifer Jason Leigh. I fell into deep infatuation with Cumming. I then rented the film from the library and couldn’t for the life of me understand what my parents’ generation saw in Joel Grey. And I couldn’t understand why Liza Minelli had her American accent. The film was all off to me! All of my older friends thought I was deranged. And now, it’s the same with Baryshnikov v. Gomes. When I saw it performed by ABT for the first time this season, being a ballroom dancer / balletomane / mad crazed nutty Marcelo-mane and all, I was beyond smitten. And now that I see it on tape, performed by someone else, with a different interpretation of Frank, it’s just not the same.

Anyway, the important thing, and the reason I bought the DVD, is that, I showed it to Jacob last night during my lesson and he’s totally into teaching me the choreography!!!!!! It’s NOT above my head, says he, unlike a certain MacMillan version of Romeo and Juliet 🙂 and I can learn it, and we can do our own, more ballroomy version, but most definitely with all the lifts (!) for the next showcase! Jacob just said I need to learn, big-time, how to hold myself. He called me “bunny cakes” when he said this (“You’re gonna need to learn big time how to hold yourself, bunny cakes!”). What would the dance world be without gay men 🙂 🙂 🙂

On a last note… so the Dancing With the Stars finale is going to be Mario versus Emmitt. I really liked Joey, and at first was annoyed that football fans, for the second time, were voting for who I thought the least deserving to make it to the finals. But then I thought, well hey, this means that football fans are really tuning into dance these days. That’s cool. The merging of one of the country’s most popular sports and ballroom dancing. Tres interesting times we are livin’ in…

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Mambo Combo Blah Blah Blahhhhhhhhh

Thank you soooo much to my friend, Rebekkah’s very kind and patient boyfriend, Robin, I now know how to embed a pic in my blog 🙂 Happy happy day 🙂 Pic’s of me and Luis finishing off our Mambo combo routine with a Latiny fish.
Mambo
Here are several more pics on photo page.

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"God is the Man With the Greatest Sense of Humor in the Universe"

Took a break today from outlining my oral argument for court tomorrow to see the movie I think (I hope anyway) is going to take all the Oscars this year, “Running With Scissors.” It’s one of my favorite contemporary books and, as always, I was very dubious going into the theater. But, wow, did writer-director Ryan Murphy do justice to Burroughs’s book or what?! He did a bit of reworking so that the story would have more of an overall arc (and not so comprised of random bits of events), expounded on some characters and side-stories, and threw in some killer dialog, but overall it’s the same story as the book. And Augusten does a little cameo at the end during credits 🙂 The film also evinces (my favorite lawyer word 🙂 ) the power of amazing acting. Film ends up centering around the mother, played by Annette Bening, instead of main character Augusten, Jill Clayburgh creates much more depth, pathos and sympathy in a character in whom all that was lacking in the book, and, finally, OH MY GOD Joseph Fiennes completely blew me away with his portrayal of the schizophrenic statutory rapist who figures only in passing in the book. Took me practically the entire movie to figure out who it was behind that Village People-esque handlebar moustache, but once I remembered seeing his name in the write-up, I had to laugh to myself; I knew it took a powerhouse to create that kind of unforgettable character. He deserves every major award for that one. The one scene they left out that I wish they hadn’t was when teenage Augusten slips a paper bearing his phone number to the convenience store clerk only to turn around and see him laughing at it with two girls. You really felt sorry for him in the book when he was mocked for having unwittingly come on to a straight guy, and it imbued with a subtle poignancy Burroughs’s reflection that lacking a parent to instill in him a sense of reservation and teach him to think before acting had bitter consequences. The film totally Hollywoodized the sentiment by using it as a voice over during some of the more outrageous scenes.

I had a weirdly depressing weekend (feeling very anticlimactic now that my showcase is over, worried about being behind at work since I took off so much time to prepare for said showcase, sad that Luis will no longer be my teacher, and shell-shocked at learning from my high school reunion booklet that a classmate I’d known passed away sometime in the past ten years), and the movie had a similar effect on me as when I saw “Girl Interrupted.” It was the first time I’ve actually cried in the theater since I don’t know when, and when I got home, all I could do was sit in the dark with a glass of red wine and stare into space. It was comical, sadly pathetic, horrifying, deranged, and dramatically compelling all at the same time — like, in my opinion, all the best art is– and it just made me feel like I, like Deirdre Burroughs, like Susanna Kaysen, like Anne Sexton, like Sylvia Plath, am potentially so close to the edge. Like, it’s human to be so…and it’s only a matter of luck that prevents some from going over it.

In a not unsimilar vein, I’ve been to ABT three times in the past half week; here are two pics I took of David Hallberg at curtain call after his brilliant performance as Death in Kurt Jooss’s The Green Table.

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Pics of Pasha and Me are up!

Photos of Pasha and me (about 7) are up, thanks to Rebekkah! She took a film of Luis and me doing our crazy Mambo, so we’re trying to figure out if we can take snaphots from that. By the way, no teabagging occurred during that lovely little routine, I am very happy to report (at least I don’t THINK it did — oh I was so nervous I don’t even remember doing the damn snake!!!) Anyway, Rebekkah has an awesome camera, like the real photographer she is! I have crapola… Thanks so so so much, Rebekkah for these! And thanks as well to Judy, my very first friend in New York and hence always my NY ‘big sis’ :), Mark and Jackie, my wonderful former West Coast Swing team buddies, and Alyssa, my indefatigable friend who will let me drag her to just about any dance event 🙂 You guys all made me so happy by showing up to support me! You guys are the greatest!!!

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Dance Times Square Showcase a Success!!

So, we had our showcase Monday night, and overall, I am very happy with the way things went — miraculously! My friend took some pictures, which I will post as soon as she sends them, but, until then, here are a few I took backstage (five total — just keep pressing ‘next’ until you come to the end). I first performed my lyrical Rhumba to Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” with Pasha. I am VERY happy with the way it went; it felt much much MUCH better than last time. I was more comfortable in my own dress (just a pretty but simple discount Betsey Johnson I bought at the Woodbury Commons outlets, rather than a formal glittery costume), and I think just because we’ve been doing it now for about nine months, I just felt like I had the choreography so down pat I could really focus on the character and stylistics, on really making it mine. Which I feel I did. Plus, not to sound ridiculously stupid, but I honestly think it paid off to see so much ballet in the meantime — both on video and live. Since this routine was a very lyrical piece, I paid close attention to pictures in my ballet books of Julie Kent, scrutinizing how she held her hands, her arms, hung her head in a back dip or lunge. Apart from thinking she is one of ballet’s most sophisticated female artists, I have a body similar to hers — long-limbed and thin, and she has this way of looking soft and beautiful and willowy without looking like a spineless, centerless string of spaghetti, like moi. I also tried hard to remember the way Gillian Murphy danced Marcelo Gomes’s ballet, “Loving,” with David Hallberg, which I’d seen in Martha’s Vineyard over the summer. I absolutely adored his sweet, romantic ballet, and we actually had some of the same basic lifts in our routine, and I loved the way Gillian expressed things with her face and body — so I tried to remember and emulate. And not that I look like anything approximating either of those uber divas, but I think just paying close attention to the details of their stylistics and trying to emulate that, made all the difference for me. And I felt like everyone noticed how much improved I was. Everyone was patting me on the back telling me how well I did when Pasha put me down (from what I still call our Romeo and Juliet lift 🙂 ) in the wings and we walked through the backstage area. NO ONE told me that at the March performance! I also think I was so much calmer, so much more comfortable on stage. I think with a few more performances under my belt, I will be even more comfortable in front of an audience. I mean, I was still nervous, but it was more of an energizing, adrenaline-pumping nervousness than a debilitating one. I still got a bit blinded by the bright lights when I looked out into the audience, but I was more prepared for it this time, and before we performed, I made a point of memorizing where the exit signs were, and other things I could spot to orient myself onstage so that I wouldn’t lose my bearings or balance.

My second routine, the super-fast crazy mambo combo with Luis, went well too, given that it’s a much newer routine and we’ve only had the choreography completed for about two weeks. I did mess up a few places — I hit poor Luis in the face with my elbow during my nine continuous spins around him, and it took a bit longer than it should have to get down into the first set of splits so I had to cut them short and not go down all the way, and then I started on the wrong foot during side-by-side point / kicks. But my friend took a video of it with her digital camera and I watched it, and, at least from what I could see on her small camera screen, you couldn’t even tell we messed up — you couldn’t see me hit him in the face, and it kind of looked like we were supposed to be on opposite feet during the side by sides — the line it created looked kinda cool. So only thing that looked off was the too-slow splits, which were remedied by the next set which were far better — so I don’t even think the mess-up was memorable to the audience. And, my friends who came all swore they couldn’t even tell that was wrong; they all said since I was smiling the whole time it looked like everything went just as I meant it to. So, I guess the pros are right when they insist that no one in the audience knows your choreography and if you don’t act like you made a big ole blunder, no one will know.

I say NOW I’m happy with my performance… I should hold my words until I get my DVD of it and see it on a bigger screen!

Since my two routines were so completely different, I asked all of my friends who came which one they liked best, which one was more ‘me.’ But no consensus. Some thought I either looked more comfortable doing the lyrical or that it just looked better on my balletic body; others thought the mambo was so fun with my funky cherry red, fringe-covered costume and that the lifts, fast footwork and fun tricks were so incredible that it was far more impressive. In the end, I guess I just have more than one side to my personality; neither is more ‘me’ — I can be anyone I feel like being (which is what performance art is all about anyway!)

The very worst part of the whole experience was that Luis called me the next day (yesterday) to tell me that he is taking a break from the studio, which means I probably won’t be dancing that routine with him again. I loved that routine — he did such a great job choreographing it — he put in a bunch of fun lifts and tricks that I’d begged him for, and it was fast-pased and very challenging, and everything looked good on my body and was well suited to my dance strengths. And I loved dancing with him (he may, after all, be the only person who’s strong enough to lift me over his shoulders 🙂 ). I really felt like crying when he told me. I am so going to miss him. He also said he and his pro partner, Anya, are no longer going to compete in the pro competitions so that they can spend more time performing, both live and in videos. (They just did a Luis Miguel video — are the principle couple in it!) So, I don’t even know how much I am going to be running into him in the future. Very sad.

On a happier note, tonight was opening night of the ABT. So spectacular! David was so fabulous in Tharp’s The Upper Room, as was Irina Dvorovenko. I love her in Tharp ballets — she just seems to ‘get’ Tharp like no one else, and the choreography just suits her so well. Other highlights were Marcelo (DUH!!!) dancing Lar Lubovitch’s Meadow with tiny gorgeous STRONG Julie (some of those lifts…it looked like he wasn’t even holding onto her…); Jose (DUH again) doing the bravura parts from Diana and Acteon (I fell into a giggling fit when he first leaped out onstage, which didn’t end until he took his bow — the guy in back of me actually changed seats… oops); and Herman Cornejo doing Tharp’s lovely Sinatra Suite, which I had not seen before. Ooooh, such a gorgeous piece! Beautifully balletically ballroomy. I so wanna do that for my next showcase 🙂 Oh, and final thing, Veronika Part made a small mistake during Balanchine’s Symphonie Concertante (my least favorite piece — I’m just not a big Balanchine fan) — it wasn’t big, and of course we’re all human, but the audience did notice, as there were many audible “ooohs”… I have to say, it did make me feel a bit relieved though– I mean, if she can make a mistake, I can make a mistake, we can all make mistakes, you know 🙂

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Two Days and Most Definitely Counting…

Performance is in just two days, and am hysterically nervous. I went out to my costume-maker, Valentina’s, on Thursday to pick up my outfit for my routine with Luis. Here’s a pic. Very fringey, long pants, skimpy halter top = very not me, but should be fun even so! And it does fit our choreography. I brought it to the studio last night for my final before-show lesson with Luis, and danced in it, and with the fringe wiggling back and forth every time I move — especially on swivels and turns — it does look very fun. So maybe, just maybe, Luis knows what he’s talking about 🙂

Tonight is the rehearsal at the studio, and Monday we have a dress rehearsal mid-day at the theater, and then that’s it — show is at 8. I keep obsessing over the videos I’ve taken of myself with Luis and Pasha and, although it’s good for me to focus on the weak spots, I think they’re making me too hysterical and I need to stop. Luis yelled at me to get over myself on Wednesday night! As if! I had just asked him for the umpteenth time why I couldn’t dance!

I do think dance is making me less insane in other aspects of my life though. Yesterday morning I had an oral argument in court, and, normally I totally over-prepare, to the point that I make myself so nervous about all the myriad things the judges could possibly (but likely won’t) ask me and get myself so worked up that I’m a complete wreck by the time I get up to the podium. Not that loads of preparation is bad of course, but in law I’ve discovered that you need a clear head more than anything. And if reading a bizillion cases that are kinda sorta but not completely on point right before the big day is going to make your head spin out of control, then you’re not going to do as well fielding the judges’ questions and just keeping focused on the strong points of your case. Freaking out in the heat of battle is absolutely destructive in law. But, because I had so much going on this week in preparation for the showcase — ie: going out to Valetina’s umpteenth times for more and more and more fittings and adjustments, taking lesson after lesson after lesson with Luis, then taking lesson after lesson after lesson with Pasha, reviewing videos, going over choreographic notes, etc. etc. etc. — I really couldn’t allow myself to stress about the case. I just prepared my argument, made sure there were no new cases on point since I’d filed my brief, re-read my opponent’s brief and re-read the cases each of us cited, and voila. And I really think I did much better at the podium this time. I didn’t have a nervous breakdown when a judge asked me a question, I answered as best I could, stayed focused on my argument, and I didn’t even hear my voice squeak or shake. I actually sounded confident. And I think the judges actually liked my argument; they gave my adversary a much harder time than me anyway 🙂 If I could just work up that amount of confidence for dance… I do believe it makes all the difference — in everything in life really.

Anyway, it’s getting cold here, so I am off to find some warm fuzzy slippers and long terry-cloth robe to keep me warm Monday backstage so my muscles don’t get cold and fail on me 🙂

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A Little Too Much Fun With the Digital….

Discovered the self-timer on my digital camera this afternoon. Spent the rest of the day taking pictures of myself in the dress I am wearing for my Rhumba routine with Pasha. Here is the result: seven in total! Had just a little too much fun … Seriously though, I did learn something about dance through this form of self-portraiture. I’d set the self-timer (10 seconds), move away, then just start spinning hoping the camera got me at a good angle. Too many bad shots, needless to say — weird expression on my face, shoulders hunched, stomach out / no solid center, not spotting the camera and looking somewhere nonsensical (not to mention, getting dizzy and nearly stumbling), ugly ugly ugly lines with my arms and hands… And I realized that this is how I dance when I’m not paying attention to dancing, when I’m paying attention to something else — like learning how to take pictures of myself, like freaking out by the thought of being before an audience, like concentrating too hard on the steps (when I know I already know them) and not on the more important things like spotting and posture, smiling or having some kind of concentrated gaze / thought behind my eyes, staying connected to the ground and not the air. So, the last few pics are better than first few. Perhaps all beginning dancers should try digital self-portraits…

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Benign!

As I knew it would be… Actually, as relieved as I am, I can’t help but be annoyed with my ENT (ear nose and throat specialist). He found some extremely small nodules on my thyroid, so small they can’t even be detected by touch without an ultrasound, but he thought just to make absolute sure, even though with the kind I have (many tiny ones as opposed to one big one) and with my demographic (female between the ages of 20 and 70) there’s less than a one percent chance they’re cancerous, that I should have a fine needle aspiration biopsy just to make sure. Question: isn’t there a less than one percent chance that me, or anyone, could have cancer growing somewhere in their body that they’re totally unaware of?? Anyway, this procedure, which he guaranteed me was no big deal, was a HUGE deal. It hurt like all hell, to put it mildly, and was horrendously uncomforable. They didn’t give me a local anesthetic because they said the needle used to deliver that was larger and more painful than the fine needle they used for aspiration of the nodule cells, and said it wouldn’t really hurt, but they were wrong. First, since my nodules were so tiny and couldn’t be detected without ultrasound equipment, this one technician had to push down with all her might right on the base of my throat with the ultrasound wand while the doctor stabbed me in the same place with the needle and left it in for what felt like centuries, both of them warning me not to swallow, not to breathe, not to talk, or else the needle would pierce something major. Ugh. I mean, maybe if the needle aspiration was taken from my leg or arm or stomach or something, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but being delivered to the base of my throat, I really felt like I may choke. I could just see the headlines: “patient asphyxiates while having a needless biopsy to her throat” … Anyway, at least it’s over now — and I’m never doing it again unless my doctor proves to me that there is a very serious chance one of them is malignant. And to make it worse, I couldn’t take any Ibuprofin for my tendonitis for 7 days prior or do any physical activity for 48 hours after, preventing me from dancing for the last couple days… I’m sorry, I’m obviously happy about the cytologist’s report, but it’s just that when you have horrific headaches of unspeakable pain that make you consider suicide for years and no one wants to take them seriously and then you have something your doctor finds by accident that you can’t even feel and even though there’s a tiny tiny chance anything is wrong with it the doctor insists on painful tests, you can feel like there’s really something not right in the world of medicine…

Anyway, beginning Monday, the hysteria officially begins. My showcase is October 16, meaning I now have exactly one month to learn how to dance. Help! Now I get to greatly annoy and alienate all of my friends: “No, I can’t go out to dinner with you, I have to dance,” “No, I can’t go to one hour-and-a-half-long movie with you, I have to dance,” No, I can’t go to an eight-minute dating event with you, I have to dance,” “No, I can’t walk your dog for five seconds while you’re on vacation, I have to dance,” “No, I can’t go to the store and get you chicken soup and Tylenol even though you’re on your deathbed, I have to dance” … I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I apologize in advance 🙂